Relationships
Template for Co-Creating "Rules of Engagement" for Arguments
This directive helps a couple collaboratively establish a set of rules for managing conflict.
For many couples, the real damage isn’t the subject of the argument, but the destructive patterns that emerge mid-conflict. They might resort to hurtful language, historical grievances, or complete withdrawal, leaving both partners feeling misunderstood and resentful, regardless of the original issue.
This directive guides them in building a shared protocol for navigating disagreements. The process itself is collaborative, shifting them from adversaries to partners solving a common problem. They leave with a concrete, co-authored agreement on how to handle conflict before it next arises.
Template for Co-Creating "Rules of Engagement" for Arguments
Separately, complete the “My Proposed Rules” table below. For each behavior that makes arguments worse, propose a specific, alternative action. Do not discuss your answers with your partner at this stage.
Once you have both completed your individual tables, set aside a time to review them together. Compare your lists, noting where you agree and where your ideas differ.
From your discussion, create a single, shared set of rules in the “Our Final Rules of Engagement” table. The rules must be specific actions, not general principles. State exactly what will be said or done. Decide on a clear signal, a word or action, to initiate each rule. Both of you must agree to every rule on the final list.
Sign and date the final document. Post it in a visible place.
My Proposed Rules
| When this happens… | I propose we do this… |
|---|---|
Our Final Rules of Engagement
| Trigger | Agreed Rule | Signal Word/Action |
|---|---|---|
Signed: _________________________ Date: _______________
Signed: _________________________ Date: _______________
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