Relationships
Mapping a Pursue-Withdraw Interaction Pattern
This task helps a couple identify the sequence of behaviors that define their demand-withdraw.
When a couple describes having the same argument repeatedly, they often focus on the topic while missing the process. One partner pushes for connection or resolution, while the other, feeling pressured, pulls away or shuts down. Each person’s action feels like a necessary reaction to the other’s behavior, leaving them both feeling misunderstood, justified, and stuck in a frustrating loop.
This directive gives the couple a way to depersonalize their conflict by mapping the sequence of behaviors. It shifts the focus from who is to blame to the pattern that has taken over their interactions. They return to session with a concrete, co-created view of their cycle, making the invisible dynamic tangible and ready to be addressed.
Mapping a Pursue-Withdraw Interaction Pattern
For the next week, your task is to observe interactions where one of you attempts to start a conversation about a difficult topic and the other pulls away. Do not try to change the interaction. Your only job is to notice the sequence of events as they happen.
After an interaction of this type has finished, individually fill out one row of the log below. Do not fill it out during the conversation. Do not share or discuss your log entries with your partner.
Focus only on specific, observable actions and words. Report what you did and said, and what your partner did and said. Avoid recording your assumptions about their intentions or feelings. Bring the completed log with you to your next meeting.
| Trigger (The specific event or topic that started it) | My First Action (What I said or did) | Partner’s Response (What they said or did) | My Next Action (What I said or did after their response) |
|---|---|---|---|
Generated with Rapport7 — rapport7.com