Relationships
Inventory of Unspoken Expectations in a Relationship
This questionnaire surfaces the hidden rules and assumptions that each person holds for the other.
When a couple or family seems stuck in a loop of recurring arguments, the presenting issue is often just a symptom. Your client may feel chronically let down or misunderstood but can’t articulate why the small disagreements feel so significant. The friction often stems from a mismatch in the unstated rules each person believes the other should follow.
This assessment makes those implicit assumptions explicit, without accusation or blame. It helps each person articulate their own internal rulebook for the relationship, turning a source of recurring conflict into a clear agenda for conversation. The client walks away with a new understanding of their own expectations and a tangible basis for discussing them.
Inventory of Unspoken Expectations in a Relationship
Complete this inventory by yourself. Do not consult your partner. Your honest, individual answers are the purpose of this task. For each statement, rate how often the behavior currently occurs and how important that expectation is to you.
| Expectation Statement | How Often This Happens (Never / Rarely / Sometimes / Often) | How Important This Is to Me (Not / Slightly / Moderately / Very) |
|---|---|---|
| My partner should know how I am feeling without me saying it. | ||
| My partner should initiate difficult conversations. | ||
| My partner should apologize first after an argument. | ||
| My partner should put my needs before their own. | ||
| My partner should shield me from their stress or worry. | ||
| My partner should always take my side in a conflict with others. | ||
| My partner should manage the household finances. | ||
| My partner should handle the majority of chores and domestic tasks. | ||
| My partner should consult me on all spending over a certain amount. | ||
| My partner should be the primary earner. | ||
| My partner should be available to talk whenever I need to. | ||
| My partner should prioritize spending free time with me above all else. | ||
| My partner should manage our social schedule. | ||
| My partner should maintain close relationships with my family. | ||
| My partner should want physical intimacy on the same schedule as me. | ||
| My partner should initiate physical affection (hugs, holding hands). | ||
| My partner should remember all important dates without reminders. | ||
| My partner should give me gifts that show they pay attention. | ||
| My partner should want to do the same recreational activities as me. | ||
| My partner should give me personal space without me asking for it. |
Answer the following questions.
What is one expectation you hold for your partner that is not on this list?
What is one expectation you believe your partner holds for you that has never been stated?
Describe a “rule” in your relationship that you both follow but have never discussed.
Generated with Rapport7 — rapport7.com