Couples
Behavioral Hierarchy for Re-engaging in Intimate Non-Sexual Touch
Partner has withdrawn from all affectionate touch due to shame, trauma, or avoidance, and the couple's physical and emotional connection has collapsed.
Avoidance of touch is often the symptom that brings couples to therapy. The withdrawing partner may feel ashamed of their body, flooded by past trauma, anxious about intimacy, or simply defended against rejection. The other partner feels shut out and begins to interpret the avoidance as rejection of them, straining the bond.
This directive breaks touch into small, manageable steps and lets the client move at their own pace without pressure or performance expectations. Each step is non-sexual and entirely within their control.
Behavioral Hierarchy for Re-engaging in Intimate Non-Sexual Touch
You and your partner will create a ladder of touch, starting with the smallest gesture and building up. These are not obligations. If you reach a rung that feels too much, you pause there.
Rung 1: Hold hands while sitting on the couch. Do this once this week.
Rung 2: Put your arm around your partner while watching something together. Do this once.
Rung 3: Put your hand on their shoulder or back for a full conversation. Do this once.
Rung 4: Hug hello or goodbye. Do this once.
Rung 5: Sit close enough to feel their warmth. Do this once.
Rung 6: Rest your head on their shoulder. Do this once.
Before each rung, notice your thought. Write it down. “I am thinking [thought] right now.” This is not a belief. It is a sensation and a story. After the touch, write what happened in your body. Not whether it was good or bad. What you noticed.
Move to the next rung only when the current one feels manageable. There is no timeline.
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