Communication
Assessing a Relationship's "Emotional Bank Account"
This assessment helps a couple quantify the balance of positive and negative interactions in their.
When a couple reports a general sense of disconnection or resentment, it’s often because small, negative interactions have overshadowed the positive ones. Each partner may have a different perception of this balance, leading to gridlock when they try to discuss what’s wrong. Their subjective accounts are frequently contradictory and colored by hurt feelings, making it difficult to identify a clear path forward.
This assessment moves the conversation from abstract complaints to concrete data. It provides a shared, quantifiable picture of the couple’s daily interactions, highlighting the ratio of deposits to withdrawals without assigning blame. The process creates a mutual reference point for their relational health, giving both partners a tangible starting place for improving their communication patterns.
Assessing a Relationship's "Emotional Bank Account"
Complete this assessment on your own, without consulting your partner. The following statements describe interactions that can happen in a relationship. For each statement, circle the number that best reflects how often you experienced this in the past month.
Use the following scale: 0 = Never 1 = Rarely (once or twice in the month) 2 = Sometimes (about once a week) 3. = Often (several times a week) 4. = Very Often (daily or almost daily)
Positive Interactions
My partner expressed appreciation for something I did. 0 1 2 3 4
We shared a laugh or a fun moment together. 0 1 2 3 4
My partner showed physical affection (e.g., a hug, a touch on the arm). 0 1 2 3 4
My partner listened to me fully when I was speaking. 0 1 2 3 4
My partner gave me a sincere compliment. 0 1 2 3 4
My partner offered to help me with something. 0 1 2 3 4
My partner responded with interest when I shared something about my day. 0 1 2 3 4
My partner expressed care or concern for my well-being. 0 1 2 3 4
We had a pleasant conversation with no tension. 0 1 2 3 4
My partner showed that we are on the same team. 0 1 2 3 4
Negative Interactions
I was criticized by my partner. 0 1 2 3 4
I felt ignored or given the “silent treatment.” 0 1 2 3 4
My partner used a sarcastic, mocking, or unkind tone. 0 1 2 3 4
I felt my point of view was not heard or understood. 0 1 2 3 4
My partner became defensive when I raised an issue. 0 1 2 3 4
A disagreement escalated into a larger argument. 0 1 2 3 4
My partner raised their voice. 0 1 2 3 4
I was blamed for a problem. 0 1 2 3 4
My partner made a dismissive gesture (e.g., rolled their eyes). 0 1 2 3 4
My concerns or feelings were treated as unimportant. 0 1 2 3 4
Scoring
Add the total of your circled numbers for the Positive Interactions section. Positive Interactions Total: ______
Add the total of your circled numbers for the Negative Interactions section. Negative Interactions Total: ______
Do not discuss or compare your results with your partner. Bring this completed form with you to your next meeting.
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